Marriage Articles  

The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal. The first few months (perhaps longer) following a divorce is not the time to try and figure out what went wrong. Trying to be your own counselor only prolongs the feeling of hopelessness. Let others help you.

There are people (i.e., family, friends, professionals, etc.), who would love to offer support, but they need to have their offer accepted. If you isolate yourself, it becomes almost impossible for others to offer support. The first 6 months to a year after a divorce are hard enough, don’t make it worse. DON’T ISOLATE.

When the time for reflection does come, ask yourself this question: Why did I attract that type of person into my life? One of the main reasons that we select or are drawn to a specific type of individual is that subconsciously we are attracted to someone who will expose those areas in our life that we need to work on.

They will “push our buttons,” so to speak. Given enough time, those individuals that we date and/or marry will expose unresolved issues, character flaws etc… that we need to address. I guarantee it. Here is an example. Susan just got divorced. Her husband had a terrible temper (not physical violence, but major yelling and screaming).

When he became angry it made her feel out of control. Susan feels that the majority of her problems were related to her former husband’s temper., and she swore that she will never again marry a man with a temper. Within 2 years Susan meets and marries Jeff.  Jeff never gets angry. Problem solved - right? No. There is now a different problem. Jeff does get angry; however, his response to anger is to become quiet (real quiet).

The problem for Susan is that when Jeff is quiet this also makes her feel out of control. Not in the exact same way that her former marriage did, but eerily similar. Has she made a bad choice with Jeff? I don’t think so, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings. If she simply blames Jeff for her unhappiness, she is destined to divorce again.  

The final stage of recovery is so simple yet many never realize it’s importance. FORGIVE YOURSELF, AND FORGIVE YOUR EX-SPOUSE. Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done, and forgive your spouse for everything you wish he/she had done.

No one marries with the intention of getting a divorce; however wise or poor the choice to divorce was - it’s done. Going through a divorce is rough enough. If it haunts you for the rest of their life and prevents you from ever taking a risk again, then not only will you miss out, but someone else will too.  

Copyright by Bob Grant, L.P.C. 2004-2006, all rights reserved.  No part of this article may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission.