Love Isn't Something That Just Happens to You -- It's a Conscious Choice!
Perhaps one of the most important lessons you can ever learn about being, and staying, in love for life -- and for keeps -- is this:
Never confuse the feeling of being "in love" with love. True love is a choice.
Those who know me know that I prefer dispensing relationship advice through storytelling because I believe the fictional approach is a more effective way of teaching lessons about life and love than the textbook approach. The "medicine goes down" more smoothly when wrapped in the cushions of a story well told.
For example, on the subject of love being a choice, here's what a leading character in one my novels said:
"Love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one and the same thing. We are all given circumstances by which we can exercise the choice to love. That’s the thunderbolt that God supplies. It’s that instant attraction to another person, those warm, fuzzy feelings, that fever akin to drunkenness or madness that causes you to know that you’re in love. But it’s what you choose to do after that thunderbolt has passed that matters. You choose whether you’re going to continue loving the other person after the drunkenness has dissipated, after the frills of romance have fallen away. You choose whether you’re going to continue to seek the best interests of the other person, and care about him or her through any and all circumstances -- and for how long. Love is a conscious choice." -- Excerpt from Midwinter Turns to Spring
A successful relationship between a man and a woman is not born but made. If you allow romantic love -- or feelings -- to become the basis for marriage and happiness, the foundation is likely to be unstable because you or your mate are likely to seek new emotional highs as time goes by. Feelings and emotions are fickle, and the circumstances that give rise to them, even more so.
A personal adage of mine that I live by is this: "True love is the ability to choose one person above all, and the ability to celebrate that choice for as long as you live." If both you and your mate are able to mutually live by this adage, then you're on your way to a fruitful and enduring relationship.
Isn't this a more empowering way to love and be loved? This way, you won't have to fear the volatility of love as you presently know it.
After all, even if you're in the best relationship, there will always be days when you feel you love your mate -- other days you may not. Some days you could feel loved, and other days you don't. Even if you met someone who you imagine is your ideal mate, would he still love you five, ten, or twenty years down the road -- or would you still love him?
Love is an ongoing choice you make every day of your life. You wake up every morning and you say to yourself, "I choose to love this person today and every day of my life" -- his imperfections notwithstanding. And you rejoice in the knowledge that "I get to love this person" and expect to be loved the same way in return.
Love is a privilege, not an obligation.
Given this truth, how would you apply it to your relationships?
