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Love Isn't Something
That Just Happens to You -- It's a Conscious Choice!
by Maria Veloso, Certified Life
Coach and Author of
Midwinter Turns to Spring
Why
doesn't love last?
If you're like most people, you've probably asked yourself the above
question -- not just once, but several times.
With about 50% of marriages ending in divorce, and pre-marital
relationships failing at an even higher rate, I'm certain you've seen
your share of failed relationships among your friends and family members
-- and even in your own life.
It's enough to make you believe that true love no longer exists in the
modern world, doesn't it?
Contrary to popular belief, true love is alive and well -- but you're
not going to find it where you're looking for it.
Our culture perpetuates unrealistic romantic expectations – and women,
in particular, are predisposed to these expectations because from the
time we’re old enough to think, we dream that one day a Prince Charming
will come along, fall in love with us, and we’ll live happily ever
after.
What's wrong with that picture?
Well, first of all, when we look to someone other than ourselves to be
the source of our happiness or completion, that's a recipe for
dysfunctional co-dependence, not true love. It trains us to hold
off being happy until that perfect someone, soul mate or Mr.
Right comes along.
A better strategy would be for you to be happy first -- whether
you're in a relationship or not. And above all, love yourself
first (i.e., hold yourself in high esteem) -- and you'll find no trouble
finding men who'll want to love you. After all, how can you expect
someone to love you if you don't first love yourself?
The buzz phrase, "You complete me" (popularized by Tom Cruise,
who said those famous words to the character of Renée Zellwegger in the
movie, Jerry McGuire), is based more on romantic
sentimentality than truth. The concept of one person completing
another person is just another example of an unrealistic romantic myth
perpetuated by the film industry, media, and society in general.
Married couples sometimes call each other "my better half," insinuating
that one is not whole without the other. This contributes to what I
call the "free radical" approach to love, using the metaphor of an
unstable atom with unpaired electrons scavenging another atom's electron
to complete itself. Likewise, a woman oftentimes looks to a man to
complete herself -- and that's an unhealthy way to enter into a
relationship. She needs to be complete in and of herself, and enter
into a relationship with a man who is also complete.
Two unstable halves make an unstable whole. Building a stable and whole
relationship requires two whole people coming together.
Going back to the subject of expecting love to be a happily-ever-after
state of being, nothing could be further from the truth. Most of the
time, the feeling of being "in love" dissipates from your relationship.
When that happens, you become dissatisfied with your relationship, and
you experience unnecessary pain and heartbreak as a result.
It doesn't have to be that way.
Perhaps one of the most important lessons you can ever learn about
being, and staying, in love for life -- and for keeps -- is this:
Never confuse the feeling of being "in love" with love. True love is a
choice.
Those who know me know that I prefer dispensing relationship advice
through storytelling because I believe the fictional approach is a
more effective way of teaching lessons about life and love than the
textbook approach. The "medicine goes down" more smoothly when
wrapped in the cushions of a story well told.
For example, on the subject of love being a choice, here's what a
leading character in one my novels said:
| "Love
is not just a feeling. It’s a choice, a commitment, a
way of behaving toward another. Love is not simply an
event that happens to you. Rather, love is something you
choose to do. The state of being in love is simply a prelude
to love. But most people make the mistake of thinking they’re one
and the same thing. We are all given circumstances by which we
can exercise the choice to love. That’s the thunderbolt that God
supplies. It’s that instant attraction to another person, those
warm, fuzzy feelings, that fever akin to drunkenness or madness
that causes you to know that you’re in love. But it’s what you
choose to do after that thunderbolt has passed that matters.
You choose whether you’re going to continue loving the other
person after the drunkenness has dissipated, after the frills of
romance have fallen away. You choose whether you’re going to
continue to seek the best interests of the other person, and care
about him or her through any and all circumstances -- and for how
long. Love is a conscious choice." -- Excerpt from
Midwinter Turns to Spring |
A successful relationship between a man and a woman is not born
but made. If you allow romantic love -- or feelings -- to become
the basis for marriage and happiness, the foundation is likely to be
unstable because you or your mate are likely to seek new emotional highs
as time goes by. Feelings and emotions are fickle, and the
circumstances that give rise to them, even more so.
A personal adage of mine that I live by is this: "True love is the
ability to choose one person above all, and the ability to celebrate
that choice for as long as you live." If both you and your mate are
able to mutually live by this adage, then you're on your way to a
fruitful and enduring relationship.
Isn't this a more empowering way to love and be loved? This way,
you won't have to fear the volatility of love as you presently
know it.
After all, even if you're in the best relationship, there will always be
days when you feel you love your mate -- other days you may not.
Some days you could feel loved, and other days you don't. Even
if you met someone who you imagine is your ideal mate, would he still
love you five, ten, or twenty years down the road -- or would you still
love him?
Love is an ongoing choice you make every day of your life. You wake up
every morning and you say to yourself, "I choose to love this person
today and every day of my life" -- his imperfections notwithstanding.
And you rejoice in the knowledge that "I get to love this person"
and expect to be loved the same way in return.
Love is a privilege, not an obligation.
Given this truth, how would you apply it to your relationships?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 Maria
Veloso is a Certified Life Coach specializing in relationships, as well
as the author of 4 books, including
Midwinter Turns to Spring, the first-ever novel
that comes with its own music soundtrack. Maria dispenses
relationship wisdom through storytelling because she believes that when
teaching involves the textbook approach, it’s the brain that
usually responds. But when the lessons are wrapped in the soft cushions
of a well-told story, they bypass the analytical brain and go
straight to the heart, where direct information is often ignored.
Readers are likely to learn more readily and be enlightened by
relationship wisdom served up to them in a nice story. Go to
http://www.MidwinterTurnsToSpring.com.
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