When It
Comes Relationships: Patterns
Don't Lie
Many
men and women know the definition of insanity
(doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting
a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they
continue to date or marry the same type of person while
expecting a different result.
Most
therapists who have been practicing for a few years are
familiar with this pattern. Usually those individuals
who practice relationship insanity only enter therapy
because they are in intense pain and they are desperate.
Often a woman will enter my office (since most of my
clients are women) for relief from her
heartache rather than to gain insight into her problems. Most of
these women (men too) want their circumstances to be
different, but they often don't want to change their
behavior that is contributing to their pain.
During a session it is very common to have such a client
nod in agreement when I point out WHY they are having
trouble and then leave the session and repeat the same
behavior. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny.
What
a good therapist is supposed to do is learn from their
client’s history in relationships and help them identify
their particular pattern. Focusing only on an isolated
incident isn't very effective because most people
believe it is a one time occurrence caused by
circumstances beyond their control.
They
truly believe that they are an innocent victim who is
powerless over their current circumstance (usually
regarding a romantic relationship). Their hope is that I
will be able to help them identify the “mistake” they
made with a particular man and tell them exactly what to
do to fix the relationship.
What
many of these women struggle with is that their current
circumstances are a reflection of a pattern in their
life and until they identify that pattern, they are
doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes with men.
This
concept became vividly clear to me years ago when I
worked as a Group Therapy leader in an inpatient
hospital setting. In my group there were all types of
individuals who found themselves overpowered by their
day to day life and in need of healing.
I
began to notice that within my group there were...
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