Pre-Marriage Counseling: Why Would You Bother?
I had a friend who was getting married to
her long time partner. They had lived together for a number of years, and
owned property together. It seemed that marriage would simply perfect what
they had - make it permanent. After my friend told me about their plans, I
asked a question: ‘Have you though about pre-marriage counseling?’ The
question surprised her.
In the rush, the excitement, not to mention the incredible
organizational pressure of organizing your wedding, many people don’t care
to think about something as mundane and as sober as pre-marriage
counseling. Why rain on the parade? Why descend from cloud nine? Why try
to squeeze it in, with all the other things that have to be organized?
(Who needs it, anyway?)
Well, this is why: your wedding is one day in your life, but your
marriage is all the rest of the days that come after it. No other
relationship, except perhaps parenthood, even comes close in terms of the
challenges and triumphs of marriage. It is the most intimate relationship
created by choice that is humanly possible.
Both couples and individuals seek financial planning to maximize their
wealth; businesses value succession planning; students make plans about
their career path long before they finish their education. There’s a
famous saying that says ‘If you fail to plan, you plan to fail’. Part of
planning to succeed in marriage is taking the time to look forward, to
survey the land you are going to travel across, taking note of the
mountains and the valleys, the difficult crossings and the pleasant, easy
places. Pre-marriage counseling will enable you to do that for your
marriage.
But isn’t living together a good enough preparation? The answer,
unfortunately, is NO. Statistics show that divorces are actually higher
among people who marry after having a de-facto relationship with each
other. There is something about marriage that distinguishes from simply
living together – which means that pre-marriage counseling is incredibly
pertinent to de-facto couples. It’s a way of learning how to successfully
make the transition from one kind of relationship to another.
What stops people from this kind of preparation? One of the big issues
is: “what if the issues raised stop us from getting married?” Here are
some points to consider:
Firstly, you may get some surprises. For
example it’s possible that, even if you have lived together, some of your
partners attitudes to certain things that matter to the relationship (such
as communication, gender roles, children) have so far escaped your notice.
Pre-marriage counseling will help you see differences that have an impact
– not in order to discourage you, but in order to help you plan ways of
overcoming or resolving them.
Think of it as an opportunity to become
creative problem-solvers and relationship builders. Marriage is an art,
and you will be honing your relationship skills to a greater level than
you ever have before.
You will have the opportunity to understand the issues that are
‘deal-breakers’, and to discuss them, before you enter into ‘wedlock’. Do
you both want children? What will you do if it turns out one of you
doesn’t? What are your values when it comes to money? What kind of
treatment can you live with from your partner? How will you settle
disputes? Does one of you have the final say, or is every decision made by
consensus?
Secondly, yes, things may come up that give pause to one or both of you
– things that may make you decide to postpone your wedding until they are
resolved. Don’t be afraid to face these issues before you walk down the
aisle. It is easier to work through some issues before the event, than
when you are married and the stakes are far higher.
So, where can you go for pre-marriage counseling?
If you are planning to be married in a Christian church, you are very
likely to be required to do a certain amount of preparation for marriage.
One of the resources that Christian ministers use in Australia is called
Prepare, and there may be other, similar resources. Ask the minister
celebrating your marriage about marriage preparation when you meet with
them.
However, if you are planning a civil ceremony, marriage preparation is
still readily available, and of great value. Relationships Australia, or
any family and marriage counseling service, can provide the preparation
you want. Fees vary, but pre-marital counseling will likely be by far the
least expensive item you purchase for your wedding!
If you are open to considering pre-marital counseling (marriage
preparation), then you are a candidate for a great marriage. Opening up
your relationship to receive advice requires humility, and humility is one
quality that creates success in life. Another name for humility is
teach-ability. If you and your partner are ready to learn new things about
your relationship and how to make it the best it can be, then the world is
your oyster.
About The Author
Emma West is a member of the WedWeb Wedding Directory team. WedWeb is
the place to plan your Australian wedding. Its a great resource for
wedding articles and wedding jokes. Learn more at:
www.wedweb.com.au.
© Emma West, March 2006
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