Do you get tired of the whole dating “thing”?
Do you get sick of superficial coffee meetings with “Potentials”?
It’s not just you! The dating scene doesn't work. So don't take it personally. You are set up to fail before you even show up.
The “dating system” is flawed, period. The whole setup is messed up, and when you do it the traditional way, your chances of success are pretty slim.
Here are a few observations we’ve made about dating:
• When you meet on a date, you don’t really SEE each other.
• You boldly take a risk to show up, but you end up feeling evaluated (and often discarded)
• After the date, you feel more lonely and discouraged than before you went out.
We say there are about 20 dating mistakes. Here, we’ll give you four of the “biggies”, in the hope you’ll stop making them and hence improving your dating experience fast and effectively.
1. Your “list” of what you want in a partner prevents you from actually having any relationship with this person.
It’s as if you’re holding up your list in front of you, reading off your criteria, then looking out from behind the list at the person across from you, seeing how they stack up. They’re doing the same to you. Of course not that obviously, but your mind can process hundreds of “criteria checks” inside a few seconds. The result? You end up having a relationship with your list, not the person in front of you.
2. You try so hard to impress each other that authenticity goes out the window.
You put on “your best face”, right? Relationship has no chance when people are hiding or pretending. It’s like two people wearing smiley-face masks, hoping the masks will fall in love with each other. Smiley-face masks don’t fall in love. People do.
3. Your identification as “Single” keeps you stuck in a single mindset.
When you say, “I’m single”, you state it as a declaration of a true fact; as a part of who you really are, instead of as a temporary situation that can and will change. From your identification with being single, you cannot be in a partnered relationship.
I (Christian) remember when I was single in my late twenties. As more and more of my friends got married and had kids, they had less and less time to hang out with us singles. So we hung out together, did “singles things”, went to “singles events”, looked for other singles, talked about singles ... it was as if my identity as a single person got more and more solid and fixed, became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
To create a relationship, you need to take on a “relationship mindset” and step into a “relationship world”.
4. You show up on a date to just "see how you feel" about this person.
As if you are a passive observer of a movie. Since both of you show up to just “check it out”, you’re waiting for the other person to provide the content, to somehow show you IF they have anything of interest to offer.
You both show up waiting for the other one to be interesting. It’s like showing up to a potluck where no one brought food! Unsatisfying, pointless, and awkward. And you leave with an empty stomach. That is, in dating, an empty heart.
Next time you go on a date, keep these 4 in mind, and see if you can avoid them. Or at least, notice where you find yourself doing them. At least you’ll know there’s something about it, and start looking for a different way to date!
Keep dating, and have fun with it!
Sonika Tinker, MSW, is a relationship expert, trainer and coach, Certified NLP ProfessionalTM, Certified Enneagram Teacher, national speaker and author of Seize Your Opportunities.
Christian Pedersen, BSc. is a relationship expert and cert. Life Coach.
Sonika & Christian, dynamic husband-wife team, have over 40 years combined experience training singles and couples to profoundly transform relationships.
Owners of LoveWorks, a leading-edge relationship training company, they offer life-changing trainings and personalized coaching. Get their free relationship gift and relationship tip videos at www.loveworksforyou.com